Of lawyers and doctors...

SRC: Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal

 The following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys
 during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful
 witnesses:
 
 1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
 doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
 
 2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
 
 3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
 
 4. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
 pulse?"
    A: "No."
    Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
    A: "No."
    Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
    A: "No."
    Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
 began the autopsy?"
    A: "No."
    Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
    A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
    Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
    A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practising
 law somewhere."
 
 5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
 
 6. "Did he kill you?"
 
 7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
 
 8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
 
 9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"
 
 10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August ?"
     A: "Yes."
     Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"
 
 11.  Q: "She had three children, right?"
      A: "Yes."
      Q: "How many were boys?"
      A: "None."
      Q: "Were there any girls?"
 
 12.  Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
      A: "Yes."
      Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
 
 13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't
 	you?"
     A: "I went to Europe, Sir."
     Q: "And you took your new wife?"
 
 14.  Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
      A: "By death."
      Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"
 
 15.  Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
      A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
      Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"
 
 16.  Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
 deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
      A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
 
 17.  Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead
 people?"
      A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
 
 18.  Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go
 	to?"
      A: "Oral."
 
 19.  Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
      A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.."
      Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
      A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
 	autopsy."
 
 20.  Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
      A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."
 
 21.  Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
      A: "I have been since early childhood."
 
 
                       WHAT THE DOCTOR WROTE...
 
  The following quotes were taken from actual medical records as
  dictated by physicians...
 
 
  By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was
  feeling better.
 
  Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
 
  On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had
  completely disappeared.
 
  She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she
  was very hot in bed last night.
 
  The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in
  1983.
 
  Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.
 
  I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then,
  when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the
  floor.
 
  The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
  depressed.
 
  Discharge status:  Alive but without permission.
 
  The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr.
  Blank to dispose of him.
 
  Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but
  forgetful.
 
  The patient refused an autopsy.
 
  The patient has no past history of suicides.
 
  The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
 
  Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
 
  The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant
  with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
 
  She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate
  directions in early December.
 
  The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath
  with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex
  which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.
 
  The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
 
  Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
 
  The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane
  ran out of gas and crashed.
 
  Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you would
  like to work her up.
 
  She is numb from her toes down.
 
  While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
 
  The skin was moist and dry.
 
  Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
 
  Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.
 
  Patient was alert and unresponsive.
 
  When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.